Thursday, October 29, 2009

Compulson in the Sauna

I know exactly what some boys do in the sauna. The sad thing is they just let the juices of their hasty moments of glory anywhere they like. No one wants these secretions near anyone else’s body now that STD’s are going round and about. So I:

1. Alcoholize locker keys.

2. Choose shower cubicles proximate to the locker room because they are the least chosen ones by those who would want to do something prohibited in public.

3. Check the floors and the walls for any emitted secretions.

4. Use the free liquid soap to clean the shower lever, shower head and soap dispensers. You can never be sure what sticks on the hand of the one who last used it.

5. Leave my towel on the cubicle walls so as not to mess it up. You don’t want it catching anything that you would rub onto your body later. That means I walk to the sauna room in my boxers, which gets a few sets of eyes looking at me longer than necessary. I don’t mind. Those are ego points.

6. Cover open wounds (even healing and closed ones) with band aid. Most STD’s are blood borne including HIV.

7. Never touch handles. Open doors through their flaps.

8. Put soap in the hands before opening the sauna door. Just to be sure. This means that while I’m inside the sauna, my hands are bubbling with soap. Some people inside would shoot me perplexed looks while I continuously lather up my palms. If only they knew…

9. Never sit down or lean on to anything inside. You don’t know what people did inside before you came in.

10. Never wipe any part of my body, especially my face, with my hands.

11. Never accidentally drink water from the steam or the shower.

12. Run for dear life when I sense people around me doing IT. It’s easy to tell. It’s funny seeing people trying to hide their erections when they get caught by some clueless member.

Yes, I can get a little bit Obsessive Compulsive to a little bit Paranoid. But hey, like they say, it’s better to be safe, than sorry…

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