Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Fireworks Display


Sometimes, I wish my life was just like full-length fireworks display.

I want to make you stop and look up when you hear the sudden crackling noise that I make when I start.

It's a joy to see how lovely your face lights up as you see my colors bursting out through the sheer black sky of the night.

It would be nice that in a span of thirty minutes or so, I would get something that I don't usually receive from you...



PS. Happy New Year!

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

wind_psycho, My Alter Ego

According to the concept of growth and development, toddlerhood and preschool-age is a crucial time of psychosocial development.

Also, it has been said that the children of this age might tend to have what we call, "imaginary friends."

"Hey mom, why are there only three plates in our table?" the curious child would ask.

Mother smiles and replies, "honey, it's for you, me and Daddy..."

Then the kid points at mid-air, "how about my best friend, Kimberly? She says she would like to eat here with us!"

Mommy's eyebrows crossed, as if focusing on something invisible beside her daughter, "I don't see her, sweetie..."

The child chuckles, "mommy... Why can't you see her...? You're such a LOSER!"

Okay, so the last line was an ill attempt of comic relief.

But developmental psychologists say that for that time, it's pretty normal. It just depends on how the parents handle this kind of situation.

However, when you're already twenty-two years old and undeniably an educated adult like me, having imaginary friends, like Kimberly in the sample situation, would be--- well, a symptom of early psychosis, if not schizophrenia.

So, I don't call my wind_psycho an imaginary friend. He's my alter ego. That is to save me a straight ride to the mental institution.

And besides, he's not someone I see in thin air that other people don't. He only exists in my mind. It's just that when I'm confused, and have no one to talk to, I converse with him. It's just like you people doing your self-talk.

The picture in the header, and in my profile is obviously not me (even when people say I look so animated and cartoony because my expressions are so exaggeratedly transparent). That's the way I perceive wind_psycho looks like.

wind_psycho was conceived when I was a third year high school student, and a struggling teen sci-fi novelist, who dreamed of making it in the anime industry as a writer (not a comic artist). He is the main protagonist of the story, whose attributes I closely related to mine. Basically, his powers was to control wind and have extraordinary senses. I was so attached to his entity, because all the good characteristics I had, including those I wish I had, was possessed by him.

That is why, in times of confusion, I imagine myself as him. The unbreakable and purely kind-hearted man that I created in my imagination and has stayed with me for a while. Now, I picture him as an office boy, who works inside my mind.

In my novel, he was poetic and deep--- in contrast to me, who always uses gibberish words to express myself. So, when I find myself suddenly talking sense, I would suppose that he is the one typing the words in a small computer in my brain (so, if you read good things in this blog, maybe he's the one talking, not me).

My college friends, especially those who are part of the group SMS list in my phone, are acquainted with him. When a certain situation happens in my life and I learn something from it, he turms it into a paradoxical moral lesson type of quote, which I do send to my friends through text, and I acknowledge him by citing his name under the message.

But don't get me wrong, I do not separate him from me. He is still me--- the good and smart side of me, who suddenly takes charge when the situation calls.

So, does that make me psychotic...? Almost there, but not quite... Hahaha...

Monday, December 29, 2008

Almost There, But Not Quite

So, why the title?

Basically, "almost there, but not quite," is an expression I often use--- especially, when I comment on students when they answer a question I raise in a recitation, but seem not to nail the juicy answer. Or when I tell someone when he misses something or loses a game.

I'm not sure how often this expression is used by other people, and even I am amused that I even came up of the idea of making that as a usual narrative or even a blog title.

Probably, I can attribute this short phrase to the mediocrity of my achievements in life.

I don't consider myself as the kid who stood in the middle or at the back if we had to fall in line, with the brightest pupils in front. I also don't consider myself as a smart aleck as well (although some people think I am). However, it's just that I always fell short of my ambitions and self expectations.

Ever since A Walk to Remember, I had always kept a TO-DO LIST at the back of my mind--- things that I would wish to achieve before I die. And everyday I ask myself if I had fulfilled any item in this list of mine. And my answer would be, "oh, I'm almost there, but not quite..."


1. Graduate with honors, and do a valedictory speech--- or any kind of speech for that matter--- to the graduating crowd.

I did graduate college with honors, but I fell short of Magna Cum Laude by .0005 in the GWA--- and I'm not exaggerating on the figures. And now, I'm still irkful about it. And still no speeches. That's the reason why I'm still at school, taking masters. Maybe I'd get a distinction or something.

2. Write a fiction novel that gets to be published, and actually read by people. And heck, I'm hoping to create a best-seller in the international milleu.

Well, so far, I'm not doing any better. Last year, I passed three novels for a Taglish romance publication firm. And the editors kind of ditched all three--- quite harshly. And now, aside from making lectures and quizzes for students, and technical research papers, I'm totally unproductive in the writing aspect.

3. Be a theorist--- help humankind through a practical, social theory.

In one subject in our Masters' class, we were asked to formulate a theory. And then after we passed it, the world is still as disastrous as it has always been.

4. Compose and produce a song for a well-known artist in the pop scene. Or probably write a full-length broadway musical, and actually have it staged.

I had previous musical careers (or should I call vocation, because I never got compensated anyway) in a choir, a band and actually got to win songwriting competitions. But not one of them has been played on the radio--- or even on youtube.

5. Fall in love and be loved in return. Then raise a family of my own.
I don't want to explain why I haven't achieved this. Not even half of this. It's way too complex. But I could say that I haven't gotten to any intimate relationship since, well---- since I was born. Thank you very much.

However, it is important that I note that the "almost there" part of the expression is of bigger weight. To me being, "almost there" is seing the doors of heaven but not really coming in yet; or getting to school after chasing time and then find out you're a split second late after swiping your ID; or finding the person of your dreams in an eyeball date, then losing your phone the next day, and not being able to contact him or her.

Being "almost there" is the good part of everything we do and reminds us that we are exerting efforts and doing our best in this lifetime. It's just that we have to accept that effort is not the only ingredient to success, but also time and people.

So, as I make this blog, and actually place my thoughts in it, this may be one way I could update myself if I'm doing better in achieving this to-do list of mine.

But for now, all I can say is...

"Almost there, but not quite..."

The Parasitic One

"So, how did you guys meet?" I asked curiously about how my college friend and the man he was hanging out with--- well started to hang out.

"Through a blog," Ryan, the college friend, replied.

And Mak, the man he was hanging out with that time, was just nodding.

My eyelids contracted, half amused. In the back of my mind I was thinking, oh, that happens now?

And there I was, listening to how people can get connected through a blogspot. But really, that wasn't the first time I ever heard about blogspots

I'm quite a cybersurfer, and believe me, I've sifted through literally hundreds of blogspots, and had put some of them into good use. Like for example, a certain blogspot saved me a huge amount of money because instead of buying Stephenie Meyer's, "Twighlight Series," it was able to provide me the four E-books of the vampire saga. And as a struggling prose writer, I know Ms. Meyer would not agree that her bloody efforts were just to be sucked out like that (the metaphor was in the point of view of a vampire, obviously).

Other blogspots, which I subconsciously memorized, are also storage forms of movies--- both the good and the dirty ones (i really didn't have to tell that, do I?). That goes with other forms of media, like mp3's and photographs--- again both the good and dirty ones (and I really had that repeated). Some blogs also keep you informed, and inspired to write. For instance, I just read Mak's blog a few minutes before I started jotting down this chunk. And his prolific writings kind of fueled me to just drown my mind in the cofee. Same goes for, Ryan, the lazy John.

Maybe it's time to stop being a parasite, and at least contribute something to cyberspace--- good or dirty, I still don't know now. But I do have plans for the good ones.

I officially cut the yellow ribbon of self-restriction that held me back from sharing something to the crowd that I never connected myself to, except for the phone cable in the DSL modem.

Ugh, I've got chills now...